"For the sake of bats and ass!," So I said, "I'm going deeper underground!" then I laughed, sounding worn without a clear rhythmic. Like a swan laughter, alone in the middle of the lake. I did not care about the birds in the trees screaming. They would be tired, and then flew to gray. "Yes. World is black. And will always be black with a sense that I play."
I paddled this boat to the middle of the lake so that I was more like a swan. The wind blew and the trees dancing, waving to me. Even then, I did not care. "Until now this nature is not react to anything, just stringing punishment for the sake of punishment."
I paddled this boat again, now more powerful. Strong winds created small waves on the lake. I did not care. "I'd rather drown!"
"For the sake of bats and ass!" I was not cussing. The two animals had long been a friend of mine. The Bat flapped quickly, a supersonic creature have any sharp, as sharp as I have: feelings and inner. s So easy I sad without any reason, even my tears melt without reason. I licked them at any time. I felt l dark and black. I did like the black and ass I rode every night. Creatures that were considered stupid and slow made me cozy. Every night I fell asleep on his back, until the morning came to restore me to the life of a swan.
That's it. Every day I was rowing the boat to the middle of the lake. The birds cheering me. Dusk brought a thin winged bat, in the shadows of sunset. The sky was orange coloring of their bodies. Enough I showed a smile, they would be around in the top of my head. I had been estranging. I liked the word "go". The world was no longer as beautiful as the first. I no longer trusted any advice of the world, because the world made my life always feeling. Between A and B was not clear to me. I was just using the sense of feeling to play in the fight against nature. I knew this nature did not trust me anymore, since the word love did not explain anything.
Since I loved him, he was gone. The man who understood the world, but against himself. From now on I would call him as Mr. Dissenter. A man who denied his own feelings and never believed in his heart. This world has formed him in one of nature: natural ratio, which thought love was just a myth created by man with frail texture and fresh color.
I was angry. I thought I loved him. I then loved him as I loved myself. "Sorry, but I can't love you," the man said to me with loving gaze. That's the end of our rendezvous. I was angry. "What a paradox! You deny love, but your eyes trickle the arrows of love, hurting my chess," I said with my eyes lit up.
I ran. It broke my heart. My feeling sharpened just like the bat eyes. I felt stupid, burning feeling as the exhausted donkey carrying the load. I was looking for a world I had never known : the Swan's World. Surely there my life just to swim from morning to afternoon, playing with a bat and a donkey at night.
I picked red and blue rocks at the lake's edge. The Bats would assemble them into a play space for them. They were faithfully assisting while the eating grass. I filled the game with just staring at rocks. The Bat dancing above me. Since then the birds called me the Swan. Trees calling me a graceful swan, who was in her swimming brought a melancholy face.
I did have a sad face and flashed longing eyes. I still overshadowed by the love of the man's eyes, and felt this nature had punished me. " I'm going deeper underground." I wanted to blend in the deepest soil. Dark world of unnecessary space. There might be I found all the different things, might also a different love. When I became a swan, I wanted to drown. When I became a bat, I wanted to play at dusk and I would not be back at dawn. When I was an ass, I wanted to be stupid and forgot all the feelings.
Ahh, I was so exhausted alone. This heart killed by question. "Being a swan, swim, and drowned..." (But no swan will sink unless it becomes a carcass, Cisca!)
"Okay, then I wanted to be a carcass, so that I could drown." (But the alligators do not want to prey on swan like you, Cisca! You are the too mournful swan for prey. Too sad to be swallowed. They just look at you from afar, watching your movements. They will not hurt you, let alone to eat you, Cisca!)
I lost my zest for life. Previously I did not so. I was a woman of her lithe gestures and dancing every time I touched by the music. Every type of music I would move another. I made a wide range of motion so as not to get bored. When the music stopped, then my body stopped.
Previously, I was grinning, spread the laughter to everyone. Like a queen bee, I admired a lot of people because my feelings were open. I accepted anyone. For me, everyone was nice. Everyone was human who needed a sense of comfort and happiness that was not easily forgotten. But, actually at that time I did not know love.
Until one day I met a man who was faithfully in his silence. In volatility, where everyone dancing and storytelling, laughing happily, he was faithful in his silence. He spoke with his eyes only. I also talked with my eyes. Then to the heart. Our hearts became a long rhythm, dancing in silence. The voices were not heard. I just looked at a pair of his eyes.
"So am I," I said.
We weren't hugging each other. We weren't close to each other, did not speak many words. Since then we both knew love, whoever told us. The man' eyes kept talking, though not in front of me. His eyes came into my dream. A dream that would soon be over and I woke up without anyone beside me. His eyes, Mr. Dissenter, he who did not believe his own feelings. The man who had the heart and strength to know the world, but did not want to admit his own feelings.
Yesterday I wanted to dance, but the music has died. The world was stalled. There's no reason for me to dance. Likewise with my feelings now. I chose to be a swan, who every morning to afternoon swimming in the lake. Every day I fantasized into a swan with a small boat and paddle. I had long been a spectacle of animals and trees lake. Every night they found my body frozen, staring at the stone.
Finally, came a time when I was really became the swan. I flapped my wings to the middle of the lake and landed on the water. Colorful fish struggling in the middle of the lake, running around it. I clenched my wings, my neck and my head down. I closed my eyes as if in prayer, and greeted the Lord. "Better I'm drowning." thus my prayer.
My body floated, swinging, breaking the softness of the blue-green waters of the lake. Suddenly the water surging as driven from the edge of the lake. Its flow became greater, up to the middle. I did not care. Kept me in waves, closed my eyes and prayed, "I'd rather drown!"
The Crocodiles plunged themselves into the lake. They headed to the middle, to where I let my body alone. Their eyes were different, they were like staring at the prey that had long been wanted. I knew it, but I still didn't care. I just wanted to pray.
Now, in the old laughter, I muttered. "It is time for me to sink." The Crocodiles easily closer to me from all sides. They gruntes. The lake water splashing from their noses.
I remained silent in peace, because I've become a graceful carcass before. I closed all the feelings, not only to him, but also to the world which made love not explain anything.
(CZ112713 - a small gift for the first anniversary of my beloved baby)
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I will introduce all the letters to you.
Later, you will understand its many meaning.
Mummy loves you.